« Last post by Linda on 29. October 2016, 11:31:27 »
I have been thinking of you and am glad this Forum is here in a way that I can use it. Thank you to all who made this possible.
I am well - overall. A lot is going on. Shaoran, I have heard you say that everyday feels like a Breathwork. That is how my life has felt since I left the Training. On Monday, Oct. 3, as some of you already know, hours after I left the training, I found out that my mom had fallen earlier that day and broken her hip. I have been intensely involved with her since then. So many experiences, so many challenges, and such love have I shared with my mom. I dearly treasure these moments and times together.
A fews minutes ago, as I looked at our new Forum, I looked briefly at the part of the list of presentations we each will make. I saw my name, and the words "Liebe / Love" next to it. Yes, this is the topic of the presentation I will make. I remember Ingo suggesting that I chose this topic and see where it leads me (as opposed to adding a particular focus to the topic at the beginning).
What struck me as I read my presentation topic - and is extremely helpful - is that one huge challenge I have faced and continue to face since mom fell is dealing with my sister. We have never been close as adults. She has issues with me, I have issues with her. I feel anger towards her and from her.
And as I read the topic of my presentation, the question quickly came to my consciousness: How can I deal with Diane from a place of love? This perspective quickly dampens the intense anger I feel towards her for this email I received from her last night - an email she meant to send to her daughter-in-law, in which she wrote a derogatory comment about me. I remember Jesus' words (I think on the cross): Forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Judith said something to me in therapy years ago: that in a abusive household, often siblings grow up and have issues with and hostility towards one another. Diane and I certainly do.
So, here I am. As I sit and type this, I have tears in my eyes. Somewhere, deep down inside of us, I want to believe that Diane and I love each other deeply. The other day, I thought how each of us lived in our mother's belly, in her womb. Diane was there first. I passed through later.
Diane recently said, "It has always been like this." She was referring to the distance and lack of regard between her and mom that has always been there. When I wrote "lack of regard" in the last sentence, I was being polite, as there has been so much anger and some meanness between the two of them.
I have recently wondered, what was it like for Diane to not have had a loving mother when Diane was little? Seeing others work through their feelings of not having had a loving mother - and processing my own feelings - I know it is huge - absolutely huge - for Diane to say that the lousy relationship she has with mom has always been there.
I definitely am in a process. I am glad I knew not respond to Diane's email last night. I am really glad for the insight I had a few minutes ago. I will see where this leads me.
I send you all my love. I take great comfort in thinking about you, knowing that all of us are in a deep process, each in our own way.